I don’t love myself.
Well, yeah maybe I do, but sometimes I don’t. I don’t love myself because I let myself be my own personal bait, I let myself make mistakes, and I let other people bring me down, I don’t love myself cause I let myself cry to sleep, go on a fight without any back up plan, nor do i think twice before deciding to jump on a cliff. Despite all this, I love myself too much not to commit suicide.
I hate that we didn’t have anything special on our 42nd month. and tho its just a monthly celebration I still think that it deserves some preparation and silly surprises. I hate that I often have to talk to someone online whose not really paying attention to me, and I hate having to call him my boyfriend…worse, my fiance. I hate that through the years he learned how to be vain, vainer than me, I can imagine us 20 years from now. I hate that we ran out of cool things to say to each other. I hate that he doesn’t consider me as pretty, beautiful, and any word synonymous to those mentioned. I hate begging him on different things and ending up fighting with him. I hate that he is the worst mama’s boy I have ever seen. I hate that I’m stuck with this guy (I mean boy)
I don’t know if it’s just me (its just me) but I don’t want my life to be boring. Sure, my day could be boring, I could be boring at times but not everytime. I think my boredom should serve a greater good and that is waiting for my goal to happen. If I’m not waiting for anything then everything will be useless and I don’t deserve to sit and wait, I have to do something or at least orchestrate a plan to get me going.
Can’t seem to hit any conclusion to everything lately. If I did it will be either unsensical or totally way overboard, which is tough for me. My life is in constant twist and turn, though it is not in a fast pace I make it seem like it is always on the pedestal and immediate action for decision is a must. But with nothing being decided can you imagine how a mess I am right now.
I spend hours (literally 8-12 hours) in my bed finding reasons why I should stay in my bed and force myself to sleep. With that being said, I have suddenly found a new worthless lifestyle… the eat and sleep lifestyle. Yes I just woke and stand up from my bed to eat or to go to the loo or to press the play button in my Big Bang theory show . No more exercise takes place in my life so I consider my cooking as another passive means of exercising (it makes me sweat too, duh!). Though it might seem that I’m boasting about this newly found lifestyle, please know that everything is said with sarcasm… all for the benefit of insulting yours truly. Though I might have my dream job right now and might be living the dream, I hate my life still.
I need to pick myself up and get myself together.
I am 21 years young and I am engaged. For liberated people it would seem normal to decide to get married at such age. As a person, I am allowed to make my own decisions may it that be choosing my ootd, my job, my friends, or the guy whom I want to spend my life with. When it comes to love and security it all becomes subjective, there isn’t a right or wrong answer. I get judged from what I am doing, comments just keep coming up and there are really many point of views that I have to consider, yet still at the end of the day it is my call.
Today, as I watch a movie regarding couples, marriage, and infidelity I can’t stop to wonder and contemplate about my recent decision. Am I really ready to get married? I mean yes I am ready to get married but am I prepared with the ‘married life’ in which divorce is the only escape if all things fail? It is not like I would want a divorce record hanging around my love life file but who would want to spend their life with someone who is NOT the right person for you. We all make mistakes and bad assumptions, choosing your partner could be one of the situations which such unfortunate event could happen.
One opinion about getting married that I am really considering is we both finish our contracts with jobs then we proceed with our marriage. That way we will both be prepared and (might) have thought about the married life ‘thoroughly’. Sounds really good to me, but I still do believe that the two us work better if we we’re together. Being in our current situation where we are miles apart, we can’t function that well. I say if we are doing it, why not do it immediately? We are a strong couple and marriage would just make everything official, I just hope it wouldn’t change the good things about us and that whatever ‘loathe-some’ attitudes we have as couple will be mended. I hope that in our marriage as we discover more about each other, may we learn to respect each other more, build each other as a person, boost each other’s confidence, love without suffocating, and lastly yet most importantly keep whatever we have alive (exclusively).